As the pandemic comes to a very slow end and the world starts to open up, we are all navigating the emotions that come with going out into the world and socializing again. There is fear, anxiety, and loneliness wrapped up in the sombering void that we’re all trying to fill. Sometimes that uncertainty is too suffocating to overcome and we start to feel hopeless, like a lost ghost screaming for help and no one is there to ground us again. With her debut single, Taylor Hughes of pure xtc has perfectly embodied that sentiment.
“Ghost” has a dark electronic vibe that is powered by a dreamy synth and propelling beat. The track illustrates just how isolating a full, bustling city can be when you are feeling alone and dissociative. Hughes sings in the second verse that her bed has become her grave where she relives the moments that carried her there and tucked her in.
I dug a grave in my bed sheets
Haunting those building fires just to burn me
I’ll stay here faded for a few weeks
Watch the smoke swallow everyone around me
The track seems to end abruptly but quickly returns with a haunting, spoken verse addressing her audience directly as she asks if we’ve ever felt like a shell of a person, too.
Listen to “Ghost” here and check out our discussion with Taylor below!
You’re currently the drummer for EXNATIONS, so with this solo project, you’re stepping out from the shadows essentially to create your own music. Have you ever done backing vocals for the band? What inspired you to create pure xtc?
[of backing vox] Maybe once or twice. I always thought I couldn’t sing. I still kind of feel like I can’t sing, but I have a lot to say. I think the message and lyrics are most important. I’ve always been able to sing in tune and hear melodies, but I just never really had the confidence to lay down a main vocal or anything. And I got to the point [where] I’ve been doing this for so long and in so many bands, I want something that I have creative control over. I’m going to get out of it what I put into it, you know? It’s all on me. So, that’s kinda where the inspiration came from, like, I could do this.
When growing up, did you always have this kind of passion for singing and songwriting?
Growing up? Yes and no. In my early bands, I wasn’t super involved with the songwriting part. I would just put my drums in and every now and then, I’d be like, ‘oh, this is a cool line for a lyric idea.’ But in the last few years, Sal (EXNATIONS) and I pretty much wrote everything together and it was a very collaborative experience. We would keep filling up our “demos” Dropbox folder. He would add in what he wanted. I would sprinkle in my bits and pieces. I would do a lot of synth and extra percussion and drums. But he’s such a good writer, he barely needed any help as far as lyrics go. So, that was a big shift from going from sprinkling little, fun melodies and stuff in, to ‘I’m going to structure out songs, I’m going to make the chords, I’m going to start from ground zero.’ And that was kind of intimidating at first. But, once I had written “Ghost,” it was just kinda like, ‘WOW, okay, I got it.’
Do you find one more challenging than the other, like lyric writing versus instrumental writing?
They’ve kind of become one lately, which is weird. I’ll come home and I’ll sit on the couch and I’ll look over at my fiancée and I’ll be like, ‘I find myself, I lose myself a couple of times a day.’ That’s something I started writing a couple of weeks ago and she was like, ‘excuse me?’ And I said, ‘Just let me say it so I can get it out and I can remember it.’ And then I went into the studio and I wrote the whole thing out, maybe like 20 minutes before somebody was supposed to come over [to collaborate] and put his part in. And I was like, ‘So, I rewrote everything. Oops.’ It just happens when I’m not thinking about it and the best stuff has happened that way. So, once the lyrics come, the vibe is a lot easier to [write].
So, do you usually write lyrics first or is there a mix between lyrics and melody?
It’s been different for every song. For “Ghost,” I had the lyrics first. It started out with a couple chords on acoustic guitar, I wrote the whole song out that way. Then, I went synth-heavy! Sometimes I’ll come up with little instrumental nuggets and not know what I’m going to do with it. I’ll just save it and then I’ll come up with lyrics for it.’
Have you discovered anything new about yourself through creating your own music and this project?
Maybe new confidence? I am very confident behind a drum kit, but stepping out and becoming a guitar player again–that was like my gateway instrument. My parents had gotten me a guitar when I was five, a cute little red Strat. I asked for a drum kit, by the way, and they got me an electric guitar with no amp. I think my dad realistically just wanted it for himself, but my mom was like, ‘You got it for her birthday, so now it’s hers.’ And I would take it to show and tell regularly. So, from like 5 to 15, guitar was my main squeeze and I got pretty good at it. And then I discovered drums at 15 and I was like, ‘I didn’t even want to play guitar in the first place, BYE!’ I had to relearn everything over this last winter. My hands don’t work like they used to.’
I play so many instruments, so I understand the importance of muscle memory. I used to play violin daily because of orchestra in high school, and now I haven’t played in years and I’m like, ‘I can’t even move my fingers!’
I understand! I played violin in school, too. [mimes playing violin] I’d have a terrible form now.
My wrists would probably break 100%. So, you played violin, you played guitar, you played drums, and you mentioned synth earlier. Is that piano synth?
I played piano in fourth grade. My mom wanted me to be able to read music. Piano is such a good instrument to learn theory with. Later that year, I started violin. In middle school, I switched up, I wanted to do cello, and then I wanted to switch again and I did the double bass. So, I’ve kinda been morphing my whole life.
What has been the most rewarding thing so far with creating pure xtc?
Hearing a final song back. Like, that’s me. Okay. This isn’t bad. I was terrified to start sending “Ghost” out. When I messaged you at first and you were like, ‘Okay, I like this.’ I was so pumped.
Ah, yes. I love the poem at the end. Did you do that kind of freestyle or did you go in prepared?
I planned it out. I am not that good at words in real-time. I get tongue-tied and fumble over words so much that I was like, ‘Okay, I’m turning the metronome on. I’m prepared for this. I’m reading off of my phone. I have to get this perfect.’ I knew that I wanted something like that at the end. I love little interludes. Even though I’m only putting out an EP, I already have two or three little interludes. In songs, I always have something else to say. So, in these little interlude things, I can tell you how I was feeling at the time and just really get it out. It doesn’t matter the melody or like how many words because sometimes, I want to squeeze so many words into one little phrase and then it doesn’t sound good.
As I kept listening to the song, I realized that it’s just so vulnerable. How do you feel about releasing a song that is so vulnerable?
Relieved in a way. I didn’t tell my friends that I felt that way. One of my best friends asked, ‘So, what is “Ghost” about?’ I explained, when I moved to the New York area and I thought I was going to have so much fun. I had friends there, but then I just felt ghosted by everybody. It was a dumb way to think because I know everybody has their own stuff going on, but I also had just gone through a really terrible breakup. So. I was extra needy and that’s all I could really think or talk about. So, I was like, ‘I’m just going to get over this on my own, and then I can go out and have fun again.’ And then my friends would invite me out and I’d be like, ‘No, I can’t do that.’ Just thinking about going out and having to be like, ‘Yay, I’m having such a good time!’ felt so exhausting. Most of the time I thought, ‘I’m just going to stay at home today.’
You mentioned that “Ghost” formed after a breakup, but now you’re engaged. So, has that lonely feeling shifted at all since you wrote the song?
Yeah, absolutely. It’s weird. I wrote “Ghost” in hindsight. The whole EP is kind of like the story arc of 2019. It was such a weird, tumultuous time for me just coming out of a breakup and my mom had just finished with all of her cancer treatments. I felt really weird leaving her. I would go back to Baltimore a lot, but I’d been with my mom for every single treatment, every single surgery, every doctor’s appointment. And I didn’t realize how much that had affected me. I was just kind of rolling with it. I’m like, ‘Okay, this is done. She’s good. Thank God. I’m going to go and move to New York now that my relationship in Baltimore is done.’ I just kept going, going, going, while still trying to do EXNATIONS.
So, the storyline is going from ‘I’ve landed in my new place, I’m living by myself for the first time with two complete strangers. Constant ever-changing emotions. I’d go out a lot, feel nothing, then sad and back to ‘I’m okay.’ You just kind of hear the progression [through the EP] and then the very last song is about when Ericka and I started talking again. It has a happy ending. Not every song is sad.
Do you plan on continuing that arc into another project or is there going to be a resolve?
I think it’s going to be a resolve because I don’t wanna write sad all the time because I’m not really sad anymore. It’s kind of weird. I’m like, ‘What is this? Is this happiness?’
Where did the serotonin come from?
[laughing] I know! It’s really bizarre. I’m like, ‘Wow, I don’t really have anything to bitch about today.’
What can your fans expect from you in the near future? Do you have any solid plans? Do you want to do gigs? Do you want to continue with EXNATIONS?
So, pure xtc has kind of become the main project. EXNATIONS is on an unannounced hiatus. We all talk within ourselves. We’re working on our own projects. Like Sal’s doing his hardcore punk project that he’s always wanted to do. John’s doing a podcast about mid-century modern furniture. He’s very passionate about that. He’s getting married this winter. We’re all still great friends. Like, they’re my best men in my wedding, so I get to see them again in September.
[of gigs] I actually am starting rehearsals in the next couple of weeks.
Would it just be around Kansas City or would you try to venture out?
We’re venturing out. I’ve been touring the mid-Atlantic areas since I was 17 and I’ve made so many friends there. I just want to visit everybody. I think I’ll start doing shows in the fall probably. It’ll just be me and a drummer, which is kind of funny. Her name is Taylor. It’s another queer Taylor. I’ll also be playing drums a little live, too.
Who are your most played artists right now?
A lot of Ariana Grande, Billie Eilish, Nine Inch Nails, Phantogram, girl in red, Silversun Pickups, and the Japanese House.
Do you feel they inspire your lyrics or your music at all? Do you have any kind of connection in that way?
I try not to because then I’ll pull way too much or I’ll overthink something in a song instead of going with my gut. And then it doesn’t sound authentic. So, when I listen to music, a lot of it is just listening for tones. I love guitar tones from Silversun Pickups and Radiohead. I am obsessed with this website called equipboard. It tells you who’s using what on their pedalboard.
If you could have someone take anything away from your music when listening to it, what would you want that to be?
Just that it’s okay to be lonely and admit that you’re unhappy or that you’re sad. talk to a friend. Don’t keep it all inside because that is truly miserable. Use the people around you as a soundboard, I guess. And this EP is kind of like a soundboard for me. I’m getting it out so I don’t have to think about it anymore.
Do you have a release date for the EP or a timeframe when you want to release it?
I would like to release it in November. That would be ideal for me. I’m running to the finish line right now. I just got two more songs finished this week. They’re off being mixed and polished up and then it’s just one more song after that and I’m done. That one last song is being a bitch to get out. It’s one that I’ve been stumped on. It’s alllll about Ericka. It’s really hard to write about something so close to you. I’ve never written a happy song before. So, it’s really, really hard. I’m like, ‘Oh, this is so cheesy. Or is it?’
How did you meet Ericka?
We met on Instagram, which is funny. Remember when auto-followers were allowed on Instagram? I noticed that I started following her and I was like, ‘Who is this?’ I wasn’t even in a position to be lurking or anything like that. But, I can’t help it, I need to know who this is and I need to say something to her, but I’m really nervous. She posted a picture holding PBR and her legs propped up on something and she’s got a lot of leg tattoos. So I was like, ‘Nice legwork.’ Hopefully, it doesn’t come off thirsty. She responded with, ‘Oh, did you see my ET tattoo?’ And I was like, ‘You have an ET tattoo?’ Then, I started messaging her, I slid into the DMs like, ‘So, you’re my new favorite person.’ I did it with the little balloon emoji. She actually got that as a tattoo on her ankle as an inside joke.
We were just non-stop talking, but she was 18 hours away. She and I just thought, ‘Well, it’s not going to happen. We both live really far apart. So, we need to just be friends or whatever.’ We tried doing that and we didn’t talk for months, and within that time, I had moved to New York. Then she messaged me, ‘I don’t know if you’re single or whatever, but I just wanted to say hi because I don’t want to stay away anymore.’ And I’m like, ‘Thank God. Do you want to come to New York and finally meet?’ We got a plane ticket and she flew out and it was the best weekend ever. I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend and there was a U-Haul in the background. I joked and said, ‘We have to take a picture, this is our future.’
We kind of knew once we had gotten together, that this was it. So, we did the flying back and forth thing for four or five months, and then she said, ‘Okay, I’m going to start shipping boxes. I’m going to move in.’
Photo by Adele Sakey
One last question because I ask everybody: waffles or pancakes?
Lately, I’ve been more of a waffle kind of gal.
Be sure to follow pure xtc on Instagram and Twitter!
Cover image by Morgan Jones
